Auto Ecole (Student Driver)

As those of you know who have done much traveling overseas, one of life's great thrills is hurtling through an unfamiliar city, white-knuckled, as your life passes before your eyes while your taxi-driver curses at anyone and everyone and explains that drivers in _______ city are the worst in the world. Such encounters are a good reminder that traffic laws are, in fact, pretty fluid in most parts of the world. Given that Bujumbura is not really that big of a city I kind of expected the things might move a little slower here, traffic might be a little lighter, and the drivers less crazy. Not so much. The average driver in Burundi makes New York cabbies seem demure and patient by comparison.

As I was heading home for lunch today (relaxing while Fabrice navigated his way through the madness), I noticed one car that was not hurtling through the city at breakneck speed. And then I saw the sign - Auto Ecole. A student driver! Sure enough there was a young women, hands clutching the wheel at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock with her eyes about to pop out of her head.

Given that there appear to be no real road rules whatsoever, I wondered what one learned in driving school here. In the spirit of a Lima taxi driver who told me, "Son, the whole thing only works if everyone follows the rules or no one follows the rules," here are what I imagine to be the Bujumbura Driving School's Ten Commandments:

1. Drive as fast as you possibly can all the time.

2. If you drive a motorcycle, and particularly a moto-taxi, do whatever the hell you want.

2.5. If you drive a huge Land Rover with UN painted on the side, do whatever the hell you want.

3. At all times you must be ready to pass on the right or left of the car obstructing your forward progress.

4. Rule 3 is applicable whether or not the vehicle in front of you is attempting to turn right or left at the same moment. Note: whether the driver has declared his or her intention to do so by signaling is irrelevant.

5. If you approach an intersection and one, two, or three cars are already stopped and attempting to make a turn, pull right up beside them. They are clearly morons and not in a hurry or they would have already made their turn or crossed the intersection.

6. Honking of the horn is mandatory in the following situations: a) seeing a relative or friend driving or walking on the street; b) expressing frustration with slow drivers, stalled traffic, women drivers, elderly drivers, or incompetent traffic cops; c) clearing the road of bicyclists, pedestrians, livestock, and fowl; and d) appreciating the loveliness of a female pedestrian.

7. Headlights may be used in addition to the horn in all of the above situations depending on the time of day, the user's stress level, and the idiocy of drivers, pedestrians, bicyclists, livestock, and fowl that you encounter.

8. The presence of a large number of cars, trucks, pedestrians, bicyclists, livestock, and fowl in a narrow, congested space is not an indication to reduce the speed of one's vehicle.

9. The handicapped, elderly, and small children, while warranting assistance, deference, and adulation when encountered on foot, are merely annoying obstacles between Point A and Point B for the driver and shall be treated as such.

10. While the above rules remain in effect, some deference (for reasons of personal safety and potential for massive structural damage) must be given to individual cows, and in particular herds of cattle, in the road. Goats may be evaluated on a case by case basis.